If Drugs Are Cheaper Than Candy Bars, What The Fuck Is Our President On?

And where can I get some.

The drug counter, except the Turkish Taffy isn't allowed into the country anymore.

The drug counter, except the Turkish Taffy isn't allowed into the country anymore.

I am trying to get through a transcript from the Washington Post of President Trump's...press conference? asshole theater? cluster fuck? ...today and there is just not enough wine in the fucking world to help me make sense of it.

I think my eyes are bleeding.

Oh, did I mention there would be expletives? Because there fucking will be. An endless supply. I'll try to be creative, but fuck.

I mean, who needs crossword puzzles to stave off dementia when you can read the lunatic ravings of a certifiable batshit crazy individual and make a pathetic attempt to find context, at least, because you are never going to find a fucking thing that makes any sense at all, or that is remotely Presidential, or factual, or even plausible, or even...I dunno, normal? And I say that as someone who was raised with an enormous fucking range of what constituted normal.

"Drugs are becoming cheaper than candy bars." I am sure Trump has never purchased any of the usual complement of recreational drugs (unless Viagra is a recreational drug now? Maybe?). I am equally sure the man has not purchased his own candy in decades. And I am also reasonably certain that unless you are buying fair trade organic dark chocolate made by elves and packaged by virgins, your regular-grade meth costs more.

AND WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN. "We've begun preparing to repeal and replace Obamacare. Obamacare is a disaster, folks. It it's disaster. I know you can say, oh, Obamacare. I mean, they fill up our alleys with people that you wonder how they get there, but they are not the Republican people that our representatives are representing." Fill up our alleys with people that you wonder how they get there? I DO tend to wonder that about alleys filled with people but, seriously? WTF.

And we are all supposed to be Republicans now?

"Mike Flynn is a fine person, and I asked for his resignation. He respectfully gave it." "No, I fired him because of what he said to Mike Pence." At the SAME PRESS CONFERENCE OR FACSIMILE THEREOF WHICH IS IT YOU STUPID STUPIDHEAD THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS OMG AND LYING TO PENCE IS THE LEAST OF IT.

Also, I will be abusing the shit out of ALL CAPS so forewarned is forearmed or something.

"Russia is fake news. Russia — this is fake news put out by the media. The real news is the fact that people, probably from the Obama administration because they're there, because we have our new people going in place, right now." I CAN"T EVEN...WHUT.

And this: 

"QUESTION: If I may follow up on some of the questions that have taken place so far here, sir —

TRUMP: Well, that's — well, you know, we do have other people. You do have other people, and your ratings aren't as good as some of the other people that are waiting.

QUESTION: It's pretty good right now, actually.

TRUMP: Okay, go ahead, John."


I'm sorry. I said I would be creative with the swearing, but what the actual fuck is going on here. 

And then "Well the leaks are real. You're the one that wrote about them and reported them, I mean the leaks are real. You know what they said, you saw it, and the leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake."  Okay, so the leaks are real, because they are real and they are real because you reported on them but the news is fake. I NEED TO SMOKE MORE DOPE TO FIND ENLIGHTENMENT AND MEANING IN THESE WORDS. <I  said the news is fake so it must indeed be true, and the leaks are wrong and illegal and pay attention to the leaks except not Wikileaks when they are about Hillary and do NOT pay attention to the Putin behind the curtain, I mean OZ, I mean... I dunno what I mean my brain is small and I cannot pay attention this long and facts make me break out in a rash and my English is bad and I could not pass my own extreme vetting if I even knew what that was going to be> MAYBE DROPPING ACID WOULD BE GOOD. Do people still do that?

This is just a teeny tiny peepee bit of what was said by Our Fearless Leader today - and I DO apologize but you really need to read or watch this yourself because it is EPIC in its incomprehensibility and all-around WTF-ery.  

He cannot speak in complete sentences. He cannot answer simple questions. He is firm in his belief that whatever he says is true, simply because it comes out of his mouth - even when it is provably (easily! daily!) false. 

If he was your kid, he would be in timeout forever. If he was in any grade, K-12, he would be in the principal's office, daily, and failing almost all his classes. He would be the bully on the playground. He would be the kid you would not allow your kid to play with. He would kick your dog. His manipulation is transparent, and yet people fall for it.

He doesn't even fucking lie well. 

This dickhead is our President. 

And I need more candy.